Give Thanks (and Take Good Care)
November 22, 2017/23:12— I just got done filling the tub in my Bed Stuy, Brooklyn apartment, lowering my body to meet the warm water that lie there, waiting. Washing water over my exterior, letting it seep into me— I was noticing the difference in appearance of my skin, now obscured by this element.
As I was doing this, playing this gentle game, I was thinking about Raj, and Curacao, and being submerged there, last summer,
and how, often when I'm overwhelmed with emotion i crave nothing more than to be submerged, in the deep (maybe dark) sea…..
in this water, tonight, I'm thinking about the emotions i was in, on this same day, a year ago.
In this water, tonight and always, i feel content...
It feels good because, as I sit there, with myself, I can feel the intentionality in the way I'm taking care; doing so slowly, mindfully, in no rush.
At peace with this— simple moment(s), skin to water, caressing— as Nick Hakim began singing "I Don't Know" into my right ear, (from my phone's speaker, sitting just beside me,) and I sang along through the entire song with him.
"…and I know you're watchin' over me. you help me through the good and through the pain we breathe…"
For awhile I couldn't listen to this song, after a man I love passed away, (during the same month that we originally intended to see each other again.) That man was Raj, and we met in Curacao in June of last year, where he lived.
"...one day we'll wake up from this crazy dream, we'll meet again, after my lights dim out and ill be wondering, where will we go? where will we go? I don't know….."
Now "Genesis" is playing, "…and I think I've loved you, for a thousand, for a thousand…" Man, all this damn synchronicity. Too real sometimes, for real.
At 23:44 I took a break from writing and, "Nothing Thought" (by Sonnymoon,) started playing, sending tears streaming out of me. (Give it a listen, it's deep as sea, and quite nerve hitting when speaking on the matter of a dead Lover.) I mention this cry of mine because, well, because I'm writing in the moment and,
*even when reaching new levels of healing, we must not forget that sadness and despair on the matter will re-surface.
(This is a playlist of some of the music that was playing while I was in the bath, and as I wrote this post, tonight-Wednesday.)
…TO BE CONTINUED...